Thursday, February 19, 2009

I'm Rich Bitch Responses (1)

This posting was taken down twice by the craigslist nazis in under an hour ... luckily I got eight inquiries before it got removed. I encouraged the responders to send over pictures of themselves to help make the decision easier. Here are two responses.


here is my pic of me
its a little old, but im on the left

The pic i sent of me was about 20 years ago.
now im much older, kind of bald, husky guy

Fun Times

Im pretty out going and by no means do I have to humiliate myself for money, however this just sound like fun. I often watch funny shit on you tube myself and always thought it would be fun to put something up. It just so happens im out of work. My company lost their contract with the city of milwaukee due to cut backs laying myself and several others off. If you are serious and cash up front let me know.... This sounds pretty ridiculous to be a serious post but thought idgive a shout ne way.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I'm Rich Bitch

I am old, eccentric and filthy rich. I have done things you have never heard of and traveled to places you will never see in your life. I light my cigars with $100 bills and that only because $500 and $1000 bills are getting scarcer. The point is I am old and bored so I have decided to give a little bit of my money away to you peons ... but we are going to have a little bit of fun first.

I am looking for someone to shovel my driveway. This job will have to be performed with you wearing nothing but a speedo, pink galoshes, and a giant sombrero. When requested you will drop the shovel, take off the sombrero and preform a little dance around it. This job will last 15 minutes, you will be paid $1500 ($100 per min.) You can make an additional $1500 if you allow it to be filmed and placed on viral video sites like youtube.

Please contact me as soon as possible - We are supposed to get a couple inches on Wednesday and I would like to have a few hat dancing shovelers posted to youtube by Friday.

Posting can be seen at:

Monday, February 16, 2009

Fuck You Milwaukee

Posted in the Rants and Raves section ... it received a few responses but not what i was looking for.

deer milwaukee. fuck you. i am out of this shit hole city enjoy the cold winters you bunch of cheap fucks. yyou probly see me asking for sum spare change outside of alterra or scronging for cigs by matc. you push me away spit on me and call me smelly bum. well fuck you all i found a buck in the street so i bought a scratch off and one $500 i am going mexico to live like king. while i am swimming in ocean and drinking whisky on beach you will be shoveling snow and scraping you car window. unlike you fucks i help out homeless. i am giving my cans to pete and my jackets to rufus. goodbye forever!

I would like to suggest you take at least a few of your fellow bums with you. You are going to be lonely down there all by yourself. Since you will be so wealthy down there and dont speak the language you will have all the other bums looking for handouts. Might need some protection.
Good riddance...need help packing, idiot?

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I want to Wrestle a Bear Responses

Flagged and removed in under an hour. I am going to attempt a repost, but it is not looking good. At least I got one response before it was removed.

Update: removed again in under an hour, reposted in Eau Claire with the same result.

What ever you are smoking, what ever meds you are taking, share the wealth!!!
Sorry to hear of your condition but i respect that alot if u get it going i so would be there thats somthing i would do

I Want to Wrestle a Bear

I found out three weeks ago that I am going to die of an inoperable brain tumor. I got multiple opinions and they are all the same. I am going to be pushing up daises a lot sooner than later. Rather than sitting around waiting for this tumor to kill me I am choosing to go out like a real man, by wresting a giant black bear. I am not looking for one of those pansy trained circus bears who ride unicycles ... I want to wrestle a vicious man eater.

I am looking for 2 things.
1) a vicious man eating black bear to wrestle
2) somewhere to wrestle said bear

Quiet / peaceful land up north (preferably with access to wild black bears) would be ideal for this epic event. I am a welder by trade and am currently creating plans to construct a giant cage to wrestle the bear in. (think Thunderdome on a smaller scale) I have been doing some research on live bear traps and I think it will be possible to obtain or build one. You would be invited to watch the event along with a small group of my family and friends. If you could keep it low key I am willing to allow ticket sales for others to watch my final minutes.

If you can help me put this sensational event together please contact me as soon as possible. The doctors do not know how much time I have but they do not sound optimistic.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Send in the Clowns Responses (3)

C. Givens
did you find anyone to cure you of your phobia? If not I would like to do this and or photograph your experience. Is this also a sexual fantasy? Legit? You're not a rapist or a murder no offense but people have to be careful these days.
Pedro Gonzalez
Sorry for the delay in responding to you, I am having a friend of mine go through all of the e-mails first to ensure that there are no clown pictures attached. First off this is not a sexual fantasy. It is as stated, an attempt to cure myself of a debilitating phobia.
You bring up a very interesting idea ... what about helping to shoot a documentary? Maybe we could mount cameras to the celling in my bedroom to capture the 31 days of scaring. Are you a professional photographer? Do you have any related clowning experience?
Feel free to send pics, my friend will strip them out before forwarding them along to me.
C. Givens
That sounds amazing! I take photos on the side. I am totally fascinated by this and I would ask for no compensation. I am a printmaker by trade and i am a freelance artist. No frills just film haha. I have attached my blog address check out my work and photos. Also a picture of me but not as a clown....I also mentioned this to one of my other artist friends and she loves the idea.
C.. Givens

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Send in the Clowns Responses (2)

I am a clown. picture not included.
I'm hoping this is a joke post. However, I'm also low on work during the winter so I'm the clown for you. Countless people sent me the link thinking I would get a kick out of it. If it is a joke post, you are a genious and should come write for my circus. If not write back for details of clown experience.

Thank you for your time
Pedro Gonzalez
I assure you sir my mental health is no joke, I take it very seriously. I have consulted numerous medical professionals over the years and nobody have been able to cure me of this bizarre phobia of mine. The job is pretty straight forward. You will be responsible to wake me up every morning at 5:30am. NO EXECPTIONS.

I will give you a key to my house. You will creep into my bedroom (or living room, sometimes i fall asleep on the couch while watching television) and wake me up. The method in which you wake me up is open to interpretation. One day you could splat me in the face with a cream pie and the next day you could honk an over sized novelty horn in my ear. I will probably jolt upright and immediately be immobilized by fear. You will then preform a 3-5 minute show using standard clown tricks. If you find me asleep on the couch juggling would be acceptable because of the vaulted ceilings. (I would implore you to stay away from juggling chainsaws because of the inherit danger, flaming bowling pins is ok though)

After the show you will walk out and not return until following day. I will leave the money on the nightstand. The first couple times you may feel bad leaving me there shaking in a puddle of my own piss but I promise you I will be alright in an hour or so.

You mentioned that you are a professional clown, where on the clowning scale to you fall?

|- Bozo
|- Circus Clown
|- Birthday Party Clown
|- Parade Clown
|- John Wayne Gacy
|- Shriner

A friend of mine is screening all of the responses and helping me to choose a suitable candidate so feel free to include pictures of yourself in full makeup along with any relevant clowning experience.

Send in the Clowns Responses (1)

Hi, i saw your ad on craigslist and I was interested in taking the clown job. I am not a professional clown, however my grandfather is friends with a professional and I am sure I will be able to learn enough in time to help you overcome your fear. Let me know more details please.

Thank you,
Pedro Gonzalez
Sounds interesting - a mix of professional and amateur clowning.

Basically the job is open to interpretation.
You must arrive at 5:30am EVERYDAY - NO EXCEPTIONS.

You will walk into the bedroom and wake me up. There is no guidelines regarding this and I encourge you to mix it up, be creative! For example on day 1 you may wake me up with a slide whistle, but day 2 you may wake me up by spraying my face with silly string while honking your nose. (Although silly string may be dangerous if it got caught in my throat ... I may have to rethink that)

After I am awake and paralyzed with fear you will preform simple magic tricks for a few minutes. I will try to clear some space out in front of my bed in case you would like to ride around on little shriner car or something.

Then you will leave and return the next day.
sounds good- when would you like to meet to discuss the details

Send In The Clowns

I am deathly afraid of clowns.
This is no laughing matter, my entire body locks up. I can't move or talk ... I am literally frozen in fear. Last year someone thought it would be hilarious to send a clown-o-gram to the office as a practical joke. Everyone got a big laugh at my terrorized condition, they laughed even harder when they found out I wet myself a little bit. It was there at the lowest point of my life that I decided to cure myself of this debilitating phobia. I have tried all sorts of "medical professionals" over the years (Psychologists, Psychotherapists, Hypnotists, Holistic Healers, etc.) with little to no success. I have done some research on the internet, talked it over with a few nutcases and have developed a plan of attack that is so crazy that it just may work.

This is where you come in.
Every morning I need you to come into my home (i will give you a key) and scare me awake in full clown makeup. Now I am not looking for some half-assed attempts either ... you really have to give it your all. I am looking for you to perform a 3-5 minute show each morning at around 5:30 am. You don't need to be a professional clown but you should be able to do a few magic/ balloon animal tricks and maybe have a few props on hand like squirting flowers and seltzer bottles. CLOWN SUIT WILL NOT BE PROVIDED.

I am planning on testing my theory out starting March 1st. You will be paid $100 per day ($3100 total for the entire month) with a sizable bonus coming if you are able to cure me of my phobia. If you are planning on sending pics of yourself in clown makeup PLEASE WARN ME IN THE SUBJECT LINE! Thank you for your time - hope to hear from you soon!

Status: Reposted

Are you Short Responses

hey, you sound like fun..mail me back from the milwaukee area. just moved out here.
i have been up all night trying to find a decent ad.. finally ran across yours. Message ME back soon! Send a pic.

Thats the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met you dont need them anymore.
Greetings “Hefty”, your ad intrigues me. Contrary to appearances my name is not “*****” - I merely hijacked his email account to send you a message – free of charge. Its a trick I learned hanging with Mayor Becker when he turned me into a hot slut at age 12. I’m now free to roam since he’ll be confined to the hoosegow.

Your prayers have been answered. I am 3’2” - 60 lbs of smurftastic lovin’. You’ll have to indulge my Fraggle Fetish – make sure to stock up on Kooshes and get used to answering to the name of Gobo.

It will be smurfy times down on Fraggle Rock, if ya know what I mean...
Ceramic Chick
I always loved the smurfs!!
Auntie Kk
ok, I know this sounds weird, but who better to ask then a smurfmobilia expert and enthusiast. Have you ever see Jeff Dunhams Arguing with myself? He makes the comment in there, if you choked a smurf, what color would it turn? Well? Purple maybe? Any thoughts? Also, the ever pondering question...........why was Smurfette the only female smurf? The smurfs still make me giggle even as an adult. (I am 31) Wish they were still the afternoon cartoon sometimes.

Happy Smurfing for your Smurfette!
(I am for real if you reply with answers or thoughts just out of the curiosity of it all).
So in other words you are just a simple blue toothbrush looking for your pink toothbrush?
I am 4'7" and am often mistaken for smurfette. I was asked to portray her in the new live action film..."Smurf Smut" The thing is I have this serious fetish for Shaggy, with a secret obsession to include Scooby. I have always been jealous of Daphne, she is everything I'm not (tall, flowing hair, long legs, great fashion sence) I am ashamed of my smurf like qualities, I have even tried to embrace it by bathing in electric blue coolaid and bearing my white closed toe pumps but I need to find my village of smurf men to idolize my beauty before I can truly appriciate her charater....GOT ANY FRIENDS????


Are you short? - 30 (Milwaukee)

Are you under 5 feet tall?
Age 25-35?
Would you be willing to paint yourself blue and perform a strip tease to the theme song from the smurfs?

Did you answer yes to all of the following questions?
I may have just found my soul mate.

About Me: White Male I am 6' 3" tall 185 pounds

I am a huge fan of the smurfs and to a lesser extent the snorks. I don't quite know when this little hobby of mine started but it is a HUGE part of my life. I have transformed most of the interior of my apartment to resemble papa smurf's house complete with custom built furniture that I either purchased from conventions or smurfed it myself. At the conventions I usually dress up as Hefty because I am really physically fit and have the heart tattoo on my arm! I am a medical professional and lead a fairly normal life. My keep my smurf hobby a secret from my family and friends so discretion is key.

Physical appearance is not really that important to me ... I am looking for someone to share my life with that will tolerate my little hobby.

Thanks for looking - hope to hear from you soon. SMURFY!