Monday, November 30, 2009

Santa Services Responses (2)

jay bova
Subject: Santa Services (Milwaukee)
Date: Nov 19, 2009 4:44 PM


To: jay bova
Subject: Re: Santa Services (Milwaukee)
Date: Nov 20, 2009 1:20 PM
I don't have a cell phone and i am rarely home during this time of year ... email is way more convenient form of communication for me.

From: jay bova
To: 'Pedo Gonzalez'
Subject: RE: Santa Services (Milwaukee)
Date: Nov 20, 2009 1:41 PM
262 853 7257

To: jay bova
Subject: RE: Santa Services (Milwaukee)
Date: Nov 20, 2009 1:27 PM
I am at the library on the internet right now ... What kind of event is this in regard to?

From: jay bova
To: 'Pedo Gonzalez'
Subject: RE: Santa Services (Milwaukee)
Date: Nov 20, 2009 1:47 PM
santa stuff adults

To: jay bova
Subject: RE: Santa Services (Milwaukee)
Date: Nov 20, 2009 1:43 PM
corporate event?

He never responded again ... I am almost tempted to give him a call to see what kind of gig he is offering me ...

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Santa Services Responses

Date: Nov 20, 2009 6:53 AM
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info:

some unfortunate circumstances ?????
these weren't molestation chargers were they? DWI's? geez, I don't think by what I see I'd have my lids sitting anywhere nearby much less as the photo depicts

To: fred jones
Subject: Re:
Date: Nov 20, 2009 1:11 PM
I am offended my insinuations sir.

This is the same kind of bull shit that I have been dealing with for the last 3 years of my life. I had my wallet in my pocket ... some kid thought it would be funny to spread a vicious rumor. I have been vindicated in court and received a large cash settlement for wrongful termination.

So why don't you just take your perverted mind and stick it where the sun doesn't shine. ... talk about a red flag for pedophiles.

Merry Christmas Mother Fucker

Subject: RE:
Date: Nov 20, 2009 4:09 PM

To: fred jones
Subject: RE:
Date: Nov 20, 2009 5:16 PM
listen here freddy.

You have no idea what you are talking about. You don't know me, you don't know my work.
I am guessing by the way you type that you are probably an MPS dropout who completely missed this sentence.

"I have been vindicated in court and received a large cash settlement for wrongful termination."

Why don't you get your mind out of the gutter, and find something constructive to do with your time?

Here is a tip - Little boys shouldn't play with fire ... they usually get burned.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Santa Services

Santa Services (Milwaukee)

Date: 2009-11-19, 4:05PM CST
Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]

I have been a professional Santa for over 20 years. I usually have a couple full time gigs during the season but due to some unfortunate circumstances my calendar is wide open this year. I will do private parties, corporate events, school functions, or scouting events. I have attached a picture of myself from a few years ago ... Against my doctors advisement I have put on 65 more pounds of Christmas cheer!

Will trade for cash, booze or parts to a '72 El Camino.

edit: did I say booze I meant cookies!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Missed Opportunities (1)

Posting something on craigslist does not guarantee a response. Some are flagged by overzealous cragslisters, some are just too absurd to generate a response. Here is the first in the series.

Pringles + Jesus = The greatest find on craigslist

For sale - One can of sour cream and onion Pringles blessed by
The one.
The only.
God's right hand man
Pope John Paul II!

Back in 2000 I took a trip to the Vatican and attended mass where where Pope John Paul gave a blessing to the entire audience. He was getting up there in a age and I believe he misspoke. Instead of blessing everyone in the audience ... he blessed everything. The only thing that I had on me besides my clothes was a backpack that contained an unopened can of sour cream and onion Pringles.

Yes these chips are almost 10 years old.
Yes the can is still unopened.

The real question is ... What will happen when you eat the chips?

A friend of mine said the can will act like the arc of the covenant and will melt my face off and devour my soul in because the Pope is not supposed to bless inanimate objects. I don't believe that though. Maybe if you eat the chips you will discover the meaning of life of get super Jesus powers or something.

The possibilities are endless!!!

I cannot put a value on these chips so I am asking you to. Send me your best offer or trade.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Wanted: Hunting Beard Responses (4)

When I went to the barber today. I mentioned someone wanted to use my beard hair for a hunting beard. He said he used to make wigs. Anyway he shortened my beard and put all the hair in a napkin. My beard hasn't been this short in years.
I'll hang onto it for a few days. Let me know what you want to do.

As you can see, the beard is now short. About 1/2 to 3/4 inch long now.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Where do I go from here?

Here is the latest e-mail from my bearded friend Bryan.

Give me a call so we can meet. It will be much easier to trim my beard for someone I have met. I am sure we can come to some kind of agreement. It is really not about the money, though it helps. I can only imagine the grief you get. It would be quite the picture to see their faces this year after your lady friend pulls off this fantastically unbelievable feat!
Yes, I believe a set payment is agreeable. I would also like to see a picture of it when you go to hunting camp.

The question is where do I go from here?
Give me some guidance - post a comment on the blog or facebook.
The best idea may just get a giant bag of Bryan's whiskers!
Don't make that face ... secretly you know you want it.

The picture of the beard comes from this site
This guy trimmed off 5 different beards from 3 decades and for some reason saved them in ziploc bags. He also has a pretty sweet pair of debeardification pics. Check it out!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Wanted: Hunting Beard Responses (3)

I am not ignoring you. Presently, I have been kind of busy. What is your deadline for sending the beard to the girl in CA? Are we talking the Nov gun hunt? I am already hunting since it is bow season. Have you got a phone number I can call you at?
Yes - Gun Hunt. She kind of owes me a favor so I think she will be able to craft it in under a week.
Did you get anything with bow?
Nothing yet. I have only gotten out twice so far. The plus is the cool weather we are getting. The deer are more active when its cold. The good thing is bow season is about 4 months long. Setting out the game camera today which a buddy is letting me use. I would like to meet you before we close the deal.
I agree we should meet! Maybe we should discuss price first to make sure we are on the same page. I was initially going to pay per strand but your beard is very thick and manly. Would you accept a flat rate payment? I have been saving all summer long for this and have a fat stack of cash set aside for your chin curtain. Out of curiosity what are you willing to part with it for??

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Wanted: Hunting Beard Responses (2)


I cut my beard down every couple of months. It is usually 3-6 inches long. I cut it down to about 1 inch long. Would that be enough hair for your friend to work with?
Oh my god Bryan - that is one of the most beautiful beards I have ever seen in my life! The color is perfect, my face is going to be so warm this hunting season!

It will be more than enough for my friend to work with.
When do you plan on trimming that facial masterpiece?

No response from Bryan yet ... fingers crossed!
edit: I hadn't heard from Bryan in 5 days but not 2 minutes after I posted this he responded. Stay tuned kids ... the story continues.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Wanted: Hunting Beard Responses (1)

Terry & Anna
no. I am 100% serious.
I have been building this up for a few months. I told my friends that I am taking part in a study that helps men grow facial hair.

Now all I need is the beard hair.
Are you the person I have been looking for?
Terry & Anna
Do you know anyone that would be interested in making a little bit of money for their beard?

maybe your mother would be interested?
Terry & Anna
Your mother said she had about six inches between her legs she was saving for you.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Wanted: Hunting Beard

I am 42 years old and if my life depended on it I could not grow a beard. Every hunting season after a couple of beers my friends start making fun of my inability to grow a beard and this continues all weekend long. Over the 4th of July weekend I ran into a friend from high school who told me she is living out in California working as a makeup artist in movies. We got to talking and she told me that she could construct a beard so realistic that nobody would ever be able to tell the difference no matter how closely they looked at it.

To pull it off I need real human beard hair.
Brown in color.
At least 1/4" long.

I will pay you handsomely to shave it off. (electric trimmer if possible)
Send me a pic of your beard with your response to this ad because time is of the essence.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

$100 Large Bedroom (Responses 2.2)

Really great answers Amy. Is there anything else you want us to know about you before we narrow it down to the final three?

BTW I would never make you take the couch if you are paying rent but my crazy aunt (in a drunken stupor) may try to sleep in your room ... you would have to lock the door on (the very few) nights that she is in town.

My roommate Christina is ecstatic to maybe have another SVU fan in the house. She wants to know who you think is the sexiest and why. (She has a thing for Elliot. she always says "He can slam me up against the wall any time he wants!")

Well Christina, I would have to agree, Elliot is the sexiest, but I kind of have a thing for Ice-T. I like the bad boy thing.

A few things about me:
I own a full sized bed, a small dresser, a radio, and a few other decorative things (none of which I really need)... so moving in would take me about an hour. I'm very clean when it comes to my room so no worries about my clothes laying all over the floor or moldy dishes hiding under my bed (I actually found this in my current roommates room yesterday. It was really old beer in a plastic cup that had grown a thick fur of mold over the top. It was a miracle it never tipped over!!)
Also, my man friend has his own apartment so out of respect for everyone living in the house we would be taking any night time activities (such as monopoly) to his place.

If I came to live with you, I would hope that we would get to know each other and become friends. I once lived with people that never wanted to talk to me and it was very uncomfortable. Hopefully we could get coffee or hang out once and a while if we're all free.

Just for fun...
My Five Favorite Things:

1) Photography (very amateur pictures of flowers and plants, taken at parks usually)
2) Trying new foods/ new restaurants
3) Tattoos
4) Music (right now I'm listening to "Can't You See" by The Marshall Tucker Band)
5) Having fun with my current friends, and making new ones. (I'm pretty social and very accepting of other positive, open minded people)

I think that's just about everything. I hope it helps you on narrowing down the prospective renters.
Have a good one! Hope to hear from you soon.

$100 Large Bedroom (Responses 2.1)

Hi! My name is Amy, I am a freshman at UWM and I am looking for a place to live as of September 1. I like the description of your place on craigslist and very happy with the price of rent. Your apartment would be in a perfect location to get to school and work. Please let me know if it is still available- I would love to look at the place.
Since the response has been so overwhelming my roommate and I are prescreening the potential roommates with a couple questions. Answer them as HONESTLY as possible.

1) We currently use the room for Rupert & Charlie and as a guest bedroom for when friends come into town. A semi frequent guest we have is my Aunt Sallyl she is a traveling salesman and a notorious drunk. Would you be willing to take the couch for a night or two when he is in town?

2) Rupert is housebroken ... most of the time. Say you woke up in the morning and stepped in a steaming pile of piggy poo. What do you do?

3) My roommate is a HUGE Law & Order fanatic. For arguments sake lets say you don't have a TV in your room. she has been watching Ice-T attempting to act for 6 hours straight and you want to watch the Brewer game. What do you do?

4) Favorite alcoholic drink

5) Would you be willing to share the room with parakeets as well?

Hope to hear from you soon
In response to your questionaire:

1) I would have no problem taking the couch- currently I sleep on the floor so almost anywhere works for me.

2) In the event of a piggy poo mishap I would most definitley locate some paper towel and clean up for him- since I dont think pigs can clean up after themselves- and then I'd let him out for a while.

3) Most importantly Law & Order trumps the Brewers any day. So I would most likley be found watching with her- if its SVU. Other than Law & Order I dont really watch tv so there shouldnt be much competition for the remote.

4) I would have to say Pabst for my beer choice and Tequila if we're talking liquor.

5) I will share a room with any animal that currently shares the space as long as I can socialize with them. I love animals and actually feel more at home with them around. I dont have any pets currently, but before I moved to Milwaukee I had a ball python, an iguana, a dog, a guinea pig, a cat, some fish, and a hamster (not all at once of course)...


Tuesday, August 11, 2009

$100 Large Bedroom (Responses 1.2)

S. Weber
Hey man, just checking to see what you thought of my answers.
Have a good day,
Sorry I have been in Illinois all weekend long at the ComicCon. My roommate and I started up a 5 man flute band called The Tashi Station Power Converters. Its a John Williams tribute band, we dress up like jedi knights & reinterpret the star wars soundtracks with only flutes. We host practice in the living room every third Tuesday of the month.

Your answers were perfect ... but my roommate is having second thoughts about renting the room out. We were planning on using the rent money to promote the bejesus out of Tashi. But after a disastrous con, he wants to rethink his involvement in the band. He thinks the we need more diversity than 5 flutes ... You don't happen to play any instruments do you?
S. Weber
Hmm.. Firstly, I am in massive love of Star Wars. And I don't just mean the films. I love the whole SWU. Secondly, I do play keyboards. I have two synthesizers.. And a computer chocked full of Muzik-Making Stuffs. I can record.. I run Cubase on the computer. Um..depending on what you want for the band, I would be interested in doing some Max Rebo-style keyboards.. Or strings and pads for your flutes to play atop of...

Also, I am starting a record label. So.. if you guys are interested in that, once the company gets up and fully functional, I would love to get you guys recorded and promoted. I would love to have something like you want to be on the label. However, even if you are not interested in what I just mentioned, I can do promotional art and leg work. I enjoy doing that.

Well, let me know what you think. Even if for some reason it doesn't work out, it's cool to know that there are cool people like you who seem to share my interests. :)

-S. Weber

PS - oh, and I do play guitar somewhat but I don't know that you would like it or that it would fit. The guitars sound like.. Dark Western Guitars. At least that is how they have been described to me. Just thought I'd throw that out there..
Erm, would you like to meet at Bremen sometime?

Monday, August 10, 2009

$100 Large Bedroom (Responses 1.1)

S. Weber
hey i was just wondering if that room is still available. please call me at 262/412-xxxx to let me know.
Since the response has been so overwhelming my roommate and I are prescreening the potential roommates with a couple questions. Answer them as HONESTLY as possible.

1) We currently use the room for Rupert & Charlie and as a guest bedroom for when friends come into town. A semi frequent guest we have is my Uncle Sal he is a traveling salesman and a notorious drunk. Would you be willing to take the couch for a night or two when he is in town?

2) Rupert is housebroken ... most of the time. Say you woke up in the morning and stepped in a steaming pile of piggy poo. What do you do?

3) My roommate is a HUGE Law & Order fanatic. For arguments sake lets say you don't have a TV in your room. He has been watching Ice-T attempting to act for 6 hours straight and you want to watch the Brewer game. What do you do?

4) Favorite alcoholic drink

5) Would you be willing to share the room with parakeets as well?

Hope to hear from you soon
S. Weber
i don't mean to sound desperate, but things are dire.

1)I would not mind taking the couch.
2)I love animals to death. I am a vegetarian and find it so very hard to get mad at animals.
3)I really don't watch the Brewers, or TV that much for that matter. but, if i really woudn't mind if i wanted to watch something and he was using the TV.
4)I hardly ever drink, but if i do, it is gin. or some wine. but if others do, i dont hold it against them.
5)i would not mind sharing a room with parakeets. honestly, i mean if it is about the noise, i dont mind, as long as they dont mind my noise. :)

Thanks.. umm, is there a number i could reach you at? or would you like to meet sometime? i will be in riverwest all weekend and through wednesday. but arrangements can be made after that! and hope to hear from you! i can recieve text messages, but not incoming calls. nor can i dial out. i am sorry for the inconvenience.... i am a male too, just so you know. in case that matters. however, i dont know if any of the roomates there are female, but it doesnt matter to me. thanks!

$100 Large Bedroom - East Side Lower

Me and my roommate (both 3rd year UWM students) are looking for one more person to split the rent and utilities with. Very large East side lower, Kitchen full of newer appliances, (dishwasher included) Beautiful natural woodwork

We are looking to rent out 15' x 17' bedroom - with large closet.
You will share the room with my pet potbellied pig rupert and my roommate's Iguana Charlie. There is a pet flap installed in the door so you cannot shut them out.

You are also responsible for 1/3 of utilities.

Oakland at Kane
Location: East Side
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

lets play a game called de-virginize the ginger Responses (2.1)

My dream is to become a professional ping pong player. I was coached my the legendary Nikolai Kuznetsov (Russian Ping Pong GOD) but now he refuses to train me until I grow up and become a real man. My mother weighs over 500 pounds and needs me to take care of her. Currently I am working as a stocker at super walmart mainly for the 20% discount on food. Nikolai wants me to stuff her in a nursing home and go on the pro tour, but I cannot do that to my mother.

I think when she becomes completely bed ridden it will be easier to make the tough decision. I think she is only a couple of boxes of ding dongs away from that, it is getting harder and harder for her to get on and off of her Rascal scooter, and she spends most of her time in bed.

While it is true that I live with my mother my room is completely separate from her. I have converted the entire basement into my own little bat-cave. I have everything I need down there except for one thing ... the lovin' of a good woman.

A new pic is in the works ... Still have to get this mop on the top of my head trimmed down. I may try and dig out some pictures from comic con last year. I dressed up as aquaman (my mother made the costume she was a professional seamstress.) and the costume totally shows off my junk. There MAY have been a little padding but to quote on of the greatest poets of the twentieth century.

I'm long
and I'm strong
and I'm down to get the friction on.
so basically, your emails are the highlight of my life and i think you are the most interesting person i have ever met. but i also think that you are too interesting and hilarious to even be a real person or telling the truth... hahah so i'm waiting on that newer picture...

me? my life is pretty lame right now; i wish that i had an interesting mom and life that i could entertain you with, but... i am going to college in the fall, but didnt get into the dorms so i have to live with this old woman to rent a room in her house. my parents are insane [my dad collects old mercedes that dont work, and thinks the world in going to end], hence we have our own private stock of end of the world supplies. so if there was ever a nuclear fallout or zombie attack i think i have a good chance at surviving.

i have been having a pretty fun summer so far, but now that i am grounded i'm pretty much stuck at home, so that kinda blows. but if i wasn't i would be moshing at concerts and just doing random stuff til 4 in the morning. i keep entertained easily.

my dream is to marry rich and never have to worry about money ever again. or marry someone old and recieve their will. or just fall into money. butttt since i cant just take that on as a career i am going to study engineering. we'll see how that goes.

i swam for my high school for 4 years, and did i ever tell you that my favorite superhero is aquaman? so basically you are my ultimate fantasy.

is pedo pronounced pee-do or pay-do? like pedro w/o the r?

Going to college ... so you were just planning on hitting it and quitting it? LOL! J/K. I am fine with that. really.

I am glad that I amuse you with my life ... sometimes I wish I were just a figment of someone's imagination. Then I realize that you really couldn't make this stuff up if you wanted to, my life is just too odd.

Here is a more recent picture of me in my aquaman costume.

Ping pong (even on the professional level) does not make a lot of money ... If I changed all of my cash into pennies I think I might be able to fill a kiddie pool. You could swim in them like Scrooge McDuck. You could FEEL rich and swim at the same time!

Bradley (Pey-doo)

Monday, August 3, 2009

lets play a game called de-virginize the ginger Responses (2)

Subject: gingerrrr

I LOVE GINGERS! haaa. send me a pic. i'm tallish blonde and 18. looking for some fun. write me back,
I was so inspired by your response Natalie that I wrote a beautiful haiku poem for you.

I am a red head.
The carpet matches the drapes.
Ride me like a wave.

I have attached a picture of myself.
It is quite a few years old, I am slightly more muscular now since I started weight training.

Hope to hear from you soon.

(Pedo_Gonzalez is my world of warcraft name ... if you play look me up!)
haaa i love that picture, but it would be nice to get a more recent one. and your haiku made my day. i am writing you one in return:

i am a blonde head
the carpet does not match the drapes
ride me like a bicycle
i dont even know what a haiku is i hope thats alright. obviously i am not an english major. butttt yours was hilarious...!

and i dont play wow... sorry..
Haiku has three lines written one right after another, with 17 syllables -- the first line contains five syllables, the second has seven, and the last has five.
I have to admit reading your poem got me a little "excited" but with 26 years of backup ... a stiff wind can get me standing at attention. I was about to send you a more recent picture but I realized that you have not sent one of yourself. Tit for Tat I say :)

haha ohhh smart guy eh? and attached is a picture of me...
which is just over a month or so old. unlike someones... :)
OMG you are absolutely stunning!!!
I am thinking that you are way too hot for dinner with my mother ... I am going to have to take you someplace classy like Ponderosa or Red Lobster.

I was going to attach a more recent picture but after seeing yours I think I need to up the ante. I want to get my hair cut and maybe a new shirt.
Do you think I should go topless instead? I don't want to say that my biceps are bulging ... but I will tell you that I am bench pressing over 80 pounds now :0
haha ok i'll be waiting.. ;] i dont think i can stand the suspense any longer... lol

so tell me a bit about yourself.


Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Lets play a game called de-virginize the ginger Responses (1)

Please tell me your ad is a joke. Seriously.
My ad is no joke. Are you interested in rocking my world?
Ha, not at your mom's house!
You are absolutely correct. As much as she is a HUGE part of my life there is no room for her when I am sexing up some lovely ladies.

New game plan.
How about a romantic dinner at Red Lobster, followed by drinks at the bar and then we head off to a sleezy pay by the hour motel WHERE WE GIT IT ON!!!!!! I will bring the rubber sheets, barry white cd's and possibly my batman costume.
lol, ok

Should I pick you up on my scooter (I will bring an extra helmet) or do you want to meet at the restaurant?
I hear chicks dig guys who ride bikes is that true?

BTW I was just kidding about the rubber sheets ... but not the batman costume. Any chance you are a fan of catwoman? MEOW!

Here is a picture of me from a few years back, I fill that suit out a little bit better these days and my hair is much shorter.
wow, i see why you're still a virgin living at your mom's house!
Wow that was kind of rude.
Lets see a pic of you, It will probably explain why you are looking through craigslist personals.
Actually I have had good luck both on and off of craigslist. The reason I'm on here is because I don't like picking up guys in bars, and at my job 98% of the employees are female.
So ya gonna let me tap that or what?
I'm going to say or what...

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Lets play a game called de-virginize the ginger

Socially awkward skinny red head looking for an older woman to show me the ropes and rock my world. I was thinking my mother could cook us a wonderful dinner and we could follow that up with a few wine coolers on the porch. After my mother falls asleep the fun can finally begin ... Although I am technically still a virgin I feel that I have watched enough porn on the internet to be a fairly competent lover.

I enjoy playing World of Warcraft, collecting unique soda bottles, and and I am a semi-professional table tennis player. (ping pong).

Send me a picture and I will send you mine.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

ISO someone who can sound like Shia LeBeouf Responses

So far everyone has been very helpful and informative. I expected to receive a lot of hate mail but I am pleasantly surprised by the responses. Its nice to see so many good hearted people willing to give any help that they can. This may be my first post that stays up for the full 30 days.

Why not try and talk to shia's agent set up a phone conference for real. find his agent and send him an email or a call. Give her the real thing. Teresa Dahlquist is his agent at the Beverly Hecht Agency.
Beverly Hecht Agcy
3500 W Olive Ave Ste 1180
Burbank, CA 91505
Hi, I ran across your ad on CL, and it was extremely heart touching. I don't think you were a terrible father, just someone doing something...anything, to get a child in a terrible situation to smile. I may have done something similar if I were in that situation.
Although I don't think I could pull something like that off, I was wondering if you had ever considered contacting the Make A Wish Foundation about actually trying to make this happen, instead of faking it. I do volunteer work with them, and a child does not need to be terminal to have a wish granted, however I'm not sure of the criteria that needs to be met. It would be worth giving them a call.
If you're interested, you can call Andrea Kobernik in the Milwaukee offices, and ask her to point you in the right direction. Here is her information.
Andrea, Special Events Coordinator
Make-A-Wish Foundation of Wisconsin
13195 W. Hampton Ave.
Butler, Wisconsin 53007
Phone: 262.781.****
Fax: 262.781.****

Hope I helped a bit....good luck.
Hi my name is Joey, sorry to hear about your daughter. I can’t image what you all must be going through. I’m about the same age and build as Shia not exactly sure how much I sound like him but I will try to listen to his voice and record my own to see if there’s enough resemblance. I would like to help out if possible. Have you tried to contact him in any way? I could pool some resources and see if there’s any possibility getting in contact with him although it does seem like a long shot. I know some independent film makers and local artists, I could also contact the Milwaukee Independent Film board and try to get a request for help put out there. If he’s anything like me he would be willing to consider it. I don’t want to get your hopes up in any way but I saw your post and had to respond. If there’s anything I can do to help I’d be willing. Feel free to call me with any suggestions or questions, I can be reached at 414-254-**** There has to be something we can do! Although even being able to meet him will just be a temporary lift, she’ll need to find meaning, acceptance, and passion for what life has to offer her in the future. I wish you all the best and I hope I can help in some way. Take care and be positive things will get better if you stay strong.
i saw your post and am sympathetic for your situation. I am a professional actor and can tell you that IMDB database has links to contact representation of talent. If you look into that you may be able to contact LeBoufs agent and may be able to work something out. I am not 100% positive that it will work but it is worth a shot.

Monday, July 13, 2009

ISO someone who can sound like Shia LeBeouf

Please don't judge me.
I know this is a horrible thing to do but my little girl has lost so much already and I would like to see her smile again ... even if it is only for one day.

About a year ago my daughter developed a rare form of ocular cancer called Retinoblastoma. Tumors developed in both of her eyes and the only way to save her life was to remove them. While she was in the hospital she watched a lot of movies and developed a little crush on Shia LeBeouf after watching the Disney movie Holes. (she LOVED the book)

Since the operation she has been extremely depressed and rarely leaves her room. We take her to therapy 3 times a week but it does not appear to have any real impact on her mood. Desperate times call for desperate measures and about a week ago I uttered the stupidest thing I have said in my adult life.

I talked with Shia LeBeouf's people and he would be delighted to meet you.

I know - I am a terrible father. But for the first time in over 6 months I saw my baby girl smile. In order to avoid her hating me for the rest of my life I have to deliver Shia.

I need someone who can sound/talk like Shia.
Looks are unimportant.
3-4 hours of talking about your "Shia's" life. (You can make a few things up but you will have to do some research)
Pull it off and name your price.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Big $$ for your kids macaroni necklaces responses

Pedro's triumphant return to craigslist kinda fell flat. Only 3 people responded and the post got removed multiple times. I am trying it one last time but its not looking good.


Brad T
you must be some sort of real piece of shit preying on your moms death this has to be the worst post ive ever seen on cl i think your moms probably rite about you what a piece of shit you are

If this is a seriuos posting then,I have tons of artwork for you a bucka pice, real authentic ll\ooking,lemme know thanx !

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Big $$ for your kids macaroni necklaces

My Mother is dying and I couldn't be happier.
That bitch cut me out of her will because as she so eloquently puts it "Pedro you are a fat, drunken, worthless, drug addicted, good for nothing, pile of dogshit"

That was until she developed dementia.
Every time I visit her in the nursing home she thinks that I am 6 years old again. If I implant the idea that her innocent little boy will be penniless and on the street I can get her to change the will to include me again.

What I need is some art projects made by a child.
I plan on giving them to my mother over a couple days to soften her up a bit. I have tried to make some already but they look too nice, These need to be authentic looking.

Will trade for cash or maybe a few pieces from the estate.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Free Mother In Law Responses (3)

This is the best of the rest.

jala woman
i love it. i would promise to put her in my beautiful garden.
i know the right thing to do....
but please call me. diane/414-807-****
p.s. don't belive in
wow, that's pretty creepy! you could probably take the ashes somewhere like the beach or a park (it might be against the law though to dump her somewhere) but at least she'd be out of your house. I think it's kind of weird you're trying to give your mother in law away though. Best of Luck! From my experience though, she's not going to stop haunting you if you really think it's her. You may need to walk through the house when you think she's "present" and let her know you mean no harm to the kids. I had a similar problem at an old apartment of mine where strange things happened when i would discipline my daughter (I only ever raised my voice)...the only way i got it to stop was to walk around my apartment and talk to whatever or whomever it was that was still there.
so again, best of luck to you!
Can you please tell me where you are located? I would love to have the urn.
I have the ashes for my uncle in a not very attractive vessel, looking for an appropriate upgrade for him, is your urn available for that purpose?

I really think you should be ashamed of yourelf,
Walk a mile in my shoes buddy.
I challenge you to try living with the ghost of my recently deceased mother in law for a week.
Until then don't judge me.
You up for it?
Ya ,I am .You sound like a self centerd idoit.who cares only about himself.It sound like a bullshit story any.
I care about the safety of my family Jimbo ... That is hardly self centered. I would give you the urn for a week but I am concerned that my Mother in Law would do real damage to you and your house. She seems to feed on fear and anger ... traits you appear to have an abundance of. Would you be willing to sign documents waiving me of any responsibility for the damages incurred by taking possession of the urn?
You sound like a complete idiot.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Free Mother In Law Responses (2)


Sounds like something to add to my collection.
Where in Milwaukee are you?
When can I pick it up?
What kind of collection do you have?
I collect horror movie and halloween stuff.
This would be perfect in my mini haunted house in the basement.

All in fun, not any devil crap or anything like that.
any chance you have some pictures of your mini haunted house? I would like to see the final resting spot of my dear evil mother in law before I make the decision.
Hello Again,

These are the only pics I have here at work. It only shows a small area
of what I have. Plus it is taken with a flash so you cannot see it with
all the colored lighting.

I do work for charity haunted houses during October in Hubertus and Hartford. I am telling you this so you don't think I am just some freak.

Anything else let me know. I am here at work till 2:30

Call me. 262-673-**** Listen to message a little then dial 10 for Operator and ask for Wayne.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Free Mother In Law Responses (1)

People in Milwaukee will take anything for free ... even dead people. Posted twice, taken down in under an hour each time - 17 responders. This first batch of responders are just people who were tickled by the post.

Do you have health insurance? I think it's time to talk to a mental health expert.
Sounds Great Where do I pick-up the BODY. LOL Joe B
Come on, you can't be serious, but damn are you funny. I know what "not" to do with my mother in law, she's going to other sister's house. Thanks
we dont want your urn but wanted to let you know that u had my wife and i laughing on the floor thanks for the smile
seriousely . are you insane? 1st it is illegal what you are doing and second if your wife should find out your mother inlaw will be the least of your problems

Monday, March 2, 2009

Free Mother In Law

Recently my mother in law passed away after a long battle with lung cancer. In her will she requested to be cremated and placed on our mantle so that she could watch over her grandbabys. I agreed because my wife was very emotional and she had left us a sizable amount of money. I purchased a nice marble urn, and tried to forget that sitting on my mantle was the ashes of that miserable old hag. Shortly after she "moved in" strange things started happening when I would discipline my children. Pictures would fall off of the wall, rooms would appear to be ransacked and the dog won't come out from under the bed.
I think she is haunting me, and I want her out of my house. I fear that dumping the urn into the trash will escalate the haunting so I need somebody to take it as is. I have purchased an identical replacement and filled it with ashes from my fireplace - my wife will never know the difference. I figure that somebody who is into creepy stuff or paranormal activity will love this. I will not guarantee a haunting but I think the odds are definitely in your favor. I have attached a picture of the urn from the website I bought it from. This is not the actual urn, but it looks very similar.

Ad can be seen at

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I'm Rich Bitch Responses (1)

This posting was taken down twice by the craigslist nazis in under an hour ... luckily I got eight inquiries before it got removed. I encouraged the responders to send over pictures of themselves to help make the decision easier. Here are two responses.


here is my pic of me
its a little old, but im on the left

The pic i sent of me was about 20 years ago.
now im much older, kind of bald, husky guy

Fun Times

Im pretty out going and by no means do I have to humiliate myself for money, however this just sound like fun. I often watch funny shit on you tube myself and always thought it would be fun to put something up. It just so happens im out of work. My company lost their contract with the city of milwaukee due to cut backs laying myself and several others off. If you are serious and cash up front let me know.... This sounds pretty ridiculous to be a serious post but thought idgive a shout ne way.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I'm Rich Bitch

I am old, eccentric and filthy rich. I have done things you have never heard of and traveled to places you will never see in your life. I light my cigars with $100 bills and that only because $500 and $1000 bills are getting scarcer. The point is I am old and bored so I have decided to give a little bit of my money away to you peons ... but we are going to have a little bit of fun first.

I am looking for someone to shovel my driveway. This job will have to be performed with you wearing nothing but a speedo, pink galoshes, and a giant sombrero. When requested you will drop the shovel, take off the sombrero and preform a little dance around it. This job will last 15 minutes, you will be paid $1500 ($100 per min.) You can make an additional $1500 if you allow it to be filmed and placed on viral video sites like youtube.

Please contact me as soon as possible - We are supposed to get a couple inches on Wednesday and I would like to have a few hat dancing shovelers posted to youtube by Friday.

Posting can be seen at:

Monday, February 16, 2009

Fuck You Milwaukee

Posted in the Rants and Raves section ... it received a few responses but not what i was looking for.

deer milwaukee. fuck you. i am out of this shit hole city enjoy the cold winters you bunch of cheap fucks. yyou probly see me asking for sum spare change outside of alterra or scronging for cigs by matc. you push me away spit on me and call me smelly bum. well fuck you all i found a buck in the street so i bought a scratch off and one $500 i am going mexico to live like king. while i am swimming in ocean and drinking whisky on beach you will be shoveling snow and scraping you car window. unlike you fucks i help out homeless. i am giving my cans to pete and my jackets to rufus. goodbye forever!

I would like to suggest you take at least a few of your fellow bums with you. You are going to be lonely down there all by yourself. Since you will be so wealthy down there and dont speak the language you will have all the other bums looking for handouts. Might need some protection.
Good riddance...need help packing, idiot?

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I want to Wrestle a Bear Responses

Flagged and removed in under an hour. I am going to attempt a repost, but it is not looking good. At least I got one response before it was removed.

Update: removed again in under an hour, reposted in Eau Claire with the same result.

What ever you are smoking, what ever meds you are taking, share the wealth!!!
Sorry to hear of your condition but i respect that alot if u get it going i so would be there thats somthing i would do

I Want to Wrestle a Bear

I found out three weeks ago that I am going to die of an inoperable brain tumor. I got multiple opinions and they are all the same. I am going to be pushing up daises a lot sooner than later. Rather than sitting around waiting for this tumor to kill me I am choosing to go out like a real man, by wresting a giant black bear. I am not looking for one of those pansy trained circus bears who ride unicycles ... I want to wrestle a vicious man eater.

I am looking for 2 things.
1) a vicious man eating black bear to wrestle
2) somewhere to wrestle said bear

Quiet / peaceful land up north (preferably with access to wild black bears) would be ideal for this epic event. I am a welder by trade and am currently creating plans to construct a giant cage to wrestle the bear in. (think Thunderdome on a smaller scale) I have been doing some research on live bear traps and I think it will be possible to obtain or build one. You would be invited to watch the event along with a small group of my family and friends. If you could keep it low key I am willing to allow ticket sales for others to watch my final minutes.

If you can help me put this sensational event together please contact me as soon as possible. The doctors do not know how much time I have but they do not sound optimistic.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Send in the Clowns Responses (3)

C. Givens
did you find anyone to cure you of your phobia? If not I would like to do this and or photograph your experience. Is this also a sexual fantasy? Legit? You're not a rapist or a murder no offense but people have to be careful these days.
Pedro Gonzalez
Sorry for the delay in responding to you, I am having a friend of mine go through all of the e-mails first to ensure that there are no clown pictures attached. First off this is not a sexual fantasy. It is as stated, an attempt to cure myself of a debilitating phobia.
You bring up a very interesting idea ... what about helping to shoot a documentary? Maybe we could mount cameras to the celling in my bedroom to capture the 31 days of scaring. Are you a professional photographer? Do you have any related clowning experience?
Feel free to send pics, my friend will strip them out before forwarding them along to me.
C. Givens
That sounds amazing! I take photos on the side. I am totally fascinated by this and I would ask for no compensation. I am a printmaker by trade and i am a freelance artist. No frills just film haha. I have attached my blog address check out my work and photos. Also a picture of me but not as a clown....I also mentioned this to one of my other artist friends and she loves the idea.
C.. Givens

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Send in the Clowns Responses (2)

I am a clown. picture not included.
I'm hoping this is a joke post. However, I'm also low on work during the winter so I'm the clown for you. Countless people sent me the link thinking I would get a kick out of it. If it is a joke post, you are a genious and should come write for my circus. If not write back for details of clown experience.

Thank you for your time
Pedro Gonzalez
I assure you sir my mental health is no joke, I take it very seriously. I have consulted numerous medical professionals over the years and nobody have been able to cure me of this bizarre phobia of mine. The job is pretty straight forward. You will be responsible to wake me up every morning at 5:30am. NO EXECPTIONS.

I will give you a key to my house. You will creep into my bedroom (or living room, sometimes i fall asleep on the couch while watching television) and wake me up. The method in which you wake me up is open to interpretation. One day you could splat me in the face with a cream pie and the next day you could honk an over sized novelty horn in my ear. I will probably jolt upright and immediately be immobilized by fear. You will then preform a 3-5 minute show using standard clown tricks. If you find me asleep on the couch juggling would be acceptable because of the vaulted ceilings. (I would implore you to stay away from juggling chainsaws because of the inherit danger, flaming bowling pins is ok though)

After the show you will walk out and not return until following day. I will leave the money on the nightstand. The first couple times you may feel bad leaving me there shaking in a puddle of my own piss but I promise you I will be alright in an hour or so.

You mentioned that you are a professional clown, where on the clowning scale to you fall?

|- Bozo
|- Circus Clown
|- Birthday Party Clown
|- Parade Clown
|- John Wayne Gacy
|- Shriner

A friend of mine is screening all of the responses and helping me to choose a suitable candidate so feel free to include pictures of yourself in full makeup along with any relevant clowning experience.

Send in the Clowns Responses (1)

Hi, i saw your ad on craigslist and I was interested in taking the clown job. I am not a professional clown, however my grandfather is friends with a professional and I am sure I will be able to learn enough in time to help you overcome your fear. Let me know more details please.

Thank you,
Pedro Gonzalez
Sounds interesting - a mix of professional and amateur clowning.

Basically the job is open to interpretation.
You must arrive at 5:30am EVERYDAY - NO EXCEPTIONS.

You will walk into the bedroom and wake me up. There is no guidelines regarding this and I encourge you to mix it up, be creative! For example on day 1 you may wake me up with a slide whistle, but day 2 you may wake me up by spraying my face with silly string while honking your nose. (Although silly string may be dangerous if it got caught in my throat ... I may have to rethink that)

After I am awake and paralyzed with fear you will preform simple magic tricks for a few minutes. I will try to clear some space out in front of my bed in case you would like to ride around on little shriner car or something.

Then you will leave and return the next day.
sounds good- when would you like to meet to discuss the details

Send In The Clowns

I am deathly afraid of clowns.
This is no laughing matter, my entire body locks up. I can't move or talk ... I am literally frozen in fear. Last year someone thought it would be hilarious to send a clown-o-gram to the office as a practical joke. Everyone got a big laugh at my terrorized condition, they laughed even harder when they found out I wet myself a little bit. It was there at the lowest point of my life that I decided to cure myself of this debilitating phobia. I have tried all sorts of "medical professionals" over the years (Psychologists, Psychotherapists, Hypnotists, Holistic Healers, etc.) with little to no success. I have done some research on the internet, talked it over with a few nutcases and have developed a plan of attack that is so crazy that it just may work.

This is where you come in.
Every morning I need you to come into my home (i will give you a key) and scare me awake in full clown makeup. Now I am not looking for some half-assed attempts either ... you really have to give it your all. I am looking for you to perform a 3-5 minute show each morning at around 5:30 am. You don't need to be a professional clown but you should be able to do a few magic/ balloon animal tricks and maybe have a few props on hand like squirting flowers and seltzer bottles. CLOWN SUIT WILL NOT BE PROVIDED.

I am planning on testing my theory out starting March 1st. You will be paid $100 per day ($3100 total for the entire month) with a sizable bonus coming if you are able to cure me of my phobia. If you are planning on sending pics of yourself in clown makeup PLEASE WARN ME IN THE SUBJECT LINE! Thank you for your time - hope to hear from you soon!

Status: Reposted

Are you Short Responses

hey, you sound like fun..mail me back from the milwaukee area. just moved out here.
i have been up all night trying to find a decent ad.. finally ran across yours. Message ME back soon! Send a pic.

Thats the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met you dont need them anymore.
Greetings “Hefty”, your ad intrigues me. Contrary to appearances my name is not “*****” - I merely hijacked his email account to send you a message – free of charge. Its a trick I learned hanging with Mayor Becker when he turned me into a hot slut at age 12. I’m now free to roam since he’ll be confined to the hoosegow.

Your prayers have been answered. I am 3’2” - 60 lbs of smurftastic lovin’. You’ll have to indulge my Fraggle Fetish – make sure to stock up on Kooshes and get used to answering to the name of Gobo.

It will be smurfy times down on Fraggle Rock, if ya know what I mean...
Ceramic Chick
I always loved the smurfs!!
Auntie Kk
ok, I know this sounds weird, but who better to ask then a smurfmobilia expert and enthusiast. Have you ever see Jeff Dunhams Arguing with myself? He makes the comment in there, if you choked a smurf, what color would it turn? Well? Purple maybe? Any thoughts? Also, the ever pondering question...........why was Smurfette the only female smurf? The smurfs still make me giggle even as an adult. (I am 31) Wish they were still the afternoon cartoon sometimes.

Happy Smurfing for your Smurfette!
(I am for real if you reply with answers or thoughts just out of the curiosity of it all).
So in other words you are just a simple blue toothbrush looking for your pink toothbrush?
I am 4'7" and am often mistaken for smurfette. I was asked to portray her in the new live action film..."Smurf Smut" The thing is I have this serious fetish for Shaggy, with a secret obsession to include Scooby. I have always been jealous of Daphne, she is everything I'm not (tall, flowing hair, long legs, great fashion sence) I am ashamed of my smurf like qualities, I have even tried to embrace it by bathing in electric blue coolaid and bearing my white closed toe pumps but I need to find my village of smurf men to idolize my beauty before I can truly appriciate her charater....GOT ANY FRIENDS????


Are you short? - 30 (Milwaukee)

Are you under 5 feet tall?
Age 25-35?
Would you be willing to paint yourself blue and perform a strip tease to the theme song from the smurfs?

Did you answer yes to all of the following questions?
I may have just found my soul mate.

About Me: White Male I am 6' 3" tall 185 pounds

I am a huge fan of the smurfs and to a lesser extent the snorks. I don't quite know when this little hobby of mine started but it is a HUGE part of my life. I have transformed most of the interior of my apartment to resemble papa smurf's house complete with custom built furniture that I either purchased from conventions or smurfed it myself. At the conventions I usually dress up as Hefty because I am really physically fit and have the heart tattoo on my arm! I am a medical professional and lead a fairly normal life. My keep my smurf hobby a secret from my family and friends so discretion is key.

Physical appearance is not really that important to me ... I am looking for someone to share my life with that will tolerate my little hobby.

Thanks for looking - hope to hear from you soon. SMURFY!